Thursday, February 7

Readers Consider the Alternatives

Ahoy there readers.

It’s my last day today! I start my new uncharted role on Monday. The title?... Creative Production Specialist *said with thunderous boom and trumpetty over tones*. Olé! Damn son- it shall be wicksville.

...And going back a step or two. The term “readers” – I used to love it how those old comics such as Whizzer and Chips would talk to the reader in such a manor.

“Hi readers, Greedy Greg is around here somewhere and it’s likely he’s keen to smash me in and take my lollies - pfffft damn poor needy kids and their lust for what is well out of their class- He's such a poverty bitch. What are the chances readers that I can out wit the fat gett, avoid the beating, retain my candy and continue my rapid diabetes forming candy habit!?”

Reader: "A fiver you pull it off Sweet tooth - Yaaaay!"

A little known fact: As Sweet tooth got older he developed a heavy sugar dependency. By the age of 14 he was well addicted and hitting back a kilo of red liquorice, four packets of Malteasers, two pottles of Tangy fruits, and 12 packets of meat flavoured skittles a day. By 16 he was robbing sweet shops and selling himself on the street for 50 cent mixtures. By 17 he had lost the cheery nick name Sweet Tooth and was now operating under the Alias of Gumsington McGraw - he hadn't a tooth since age 14.

A sad tale if ever I heard one... All could have been averted if he had shared a few Pebbles and milk bottles with "Greedy Greg"- but no - he decided to be a greedy little book end and .

So next time you're in a 7/11 or a Star Mart and feel that hankering for a Snickers/Skittles combo, consider the alternatives and remember to keep an eye out for the fat greedy kid with curly hair lurking by- if you should see him- flick him a wine gum, the fat little sh*te needs it.



3 comments:

djkrpt said...

I always enjoyed the fact that sweet tooth actually only had ONE tooth, much like the character on the Simpso[snip! thats quite enough 90s referring]...

What fascinated me was the way he could always disguise the sweet treats as something pedestrian, much like that lolly-underwear you can find in "gift" stores.. I mean, I'm sure those items are sold for their camoflage value.

Greedy Greg "Wait a minute, that toff's not a real toff, his cane is made out of Brighton rock, his monocle is made of liquorice and his top hat is a giant hollowed out black m&m! its sweet tooth [fume!]!"

Elkano said...

Indeed - I couldnt agree more. Nice use off the words: pedestrian, toff and Brighton-Rock.

Also I never felt that kid got the value out of oddball either. He could've been used for many an antic - such as stretchy arming into a sweet shop to milch a gobstopper or two from Shop keeper Wilson.

mike said...

What about Ravey Davey Gravy? He got backed over by a truck cause he was dancing to its reversing sounds.