{Interview with Prime Minister of New Zealand, John Key}
I am the five-year –
eight-year blip, the cancer of the poor, I am that and I am the future for the
fewer and fewer. But it’s not that we don’t care. It’s just that I am John Key.
But, we have a present for Nuzilind this year – a big fat zero for you to
chew over, a big fat zero and there goes your lower class hope, while we
rope-a-dope you in the corner, beached like a tongue-in-cheek tanker upon the
sand bars of the wretched spotty coast a coast, a bird-landian paradise till
you came along black liquid spewing from your gullet. Snicker.
But I digress.
Come on, everyone,
hand-in-hand, Shipley, hand-in-hand we go.
Come on, Helen, you're
welcome too. We've got it all planned out. Bill, kick your feet up, give a trill,
a trill, to eight years of vision, revision of failed, competition and, oh, the
glory I will see, maybe, even the growth of our stupendous GDP. The only thing
growing more there is our child poverty rate, snicker.
No, but we care.
Because, I have the key,
the John Key, snicker, our 70 dollar glass of Bollinger jostles in the flute
whilst somewhere the chug from that last bottle of an alcoholic's highly taxed
Tui bubbles away, the light brown liquid jostling round the upturned bottle,
violently now, and then, empty. Snicker. A fag is lit, overly priced too.
No, but we do care.
We do
though. We have a vision. We are creating a future for Nuzilind, we often think
about the average Nuzilinder. We also have the children at the front of our
mind too. I am John Key and I am the future for you. Look around, isn’t everything
great. I said, look! Why would you worry about education? It worked for you. But not you, but that's okay.
No, but we care.
Yeah, growth isn’t great,
but we promise it will be. I'm John Key. I can do that. You can be John Key
too. Clandestine high-fives all round. Pow! Ha ha, they voted for us. Even you.
Yes, you. That section of New Zealand we fooled by making you think rapid
unyielding capitalism is the only way for us to move forward as a country. I
know! Vacuum the resources of the needy; toward the tower in the sky!
Surgically remove the teat from which they cling; toward the tower in the sky!
More Bollinger, please.
No, but we do care.
But, we did it great, didn't
we? People stabbing a successful New Zealand government in the back, effortlessly
slitting Helen's innocent throat for good measure. Gurgle gurgle. Snicker. In
fact, most people are so ignorant they already had this idea in their head.
"Aunty Helen has had her turn," they mused, pans-democratically with
all the knowledge of policy to fill a spatula. “Yeah, she’s had her turn.” We
just popped the knife in their hands. But, fuck her martyrdom, as we took it to
the vaults, the banks, the uninterested minions locked away, pat pat on the
pocket and now I'm luxuriating on all the stereotypes your little mind can
foster. Just luxuriating.
No, but we really care.
Nuzilind is doing fine, we
lead them like a blind man, in the dark, fumbling down the hallway. I mean our politics have failed again and again, so that
means it has to work this time, right? God, I do love politics though. God,
this country loves me. God, I love doing whatever I want. Go, me.
I am John Key and I want you to know I do care about the average
Nuzilinder. I really do. God, I wish I could be an actual socialist.
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